Devious Journal Entry

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Deviation Actions

CallMeHe's avatar
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I actually managed to get a male role in Btec acting.
To get feedback on our "audition" monologues, my teacher called us up one by one, using everybody's first name. Except me. "Miss C______K". I was called.
This was the gist of what she said: "it was very emotional, and very good. But this is a male role. You've gotta shoe some strength, and get rid of your womanly ways." And immediately, my alright mood turned sour.
"Womanly ways"? The only womanly thing about me is my disgusting body, and the 'f' marked on all my official documents. The smaller things have started to affect me every bit as much as the larger things. Just thinking about how when people think of me they think "she" "her" "girl" and "woman" makes my eyes prickle and my stomach turns, my throat closes and a million ways to hurt myself cross my mind in an instant. 
I'm too afraid to come out, but I can't cope with the secrecy and misgendering any more. It's killing me from the inside and no one can see.
© 2013 - 2024 CallMeHe
Comments4
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floridapanther28's avatar
I really hope you feel better. 
I know that people online joke about male's rights and all, and they call MRAs a bunch of misogynists, but these are problems that males face every day that people like to overlook. :( 
While I understand that it's impossible to turn it into a positive situation, maybe the role can help you learn how to "pass" better for when you're finally out. 
Or you could just be your faggoty-ass self, like I plan on doing once I'm out. 
I love you. Feel better.