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I actually managed to get a male role in Btec acting.
To get feedback on our "audition" monologues, my teacher called us up one by one, using everybody's first name. Except me. "Miss C______K". I was called.
This was the gist of what she said: "it was very emotional, and very good. But this is a male role. You've gotta shoe some strength, and get rid of your womanly ways." And immediately, my alright mood turned sour.
"Womanly ways"? The only womanly thing about me is my disgusting body, and the 'f' marked on all my official documents. The smaller things have started to affect me every bit as much as the larger things. Just thinking about how when people think of me they think "she" "her" "girl" and "woman" makes my eyes prickle and my stomach turns, my throat closes and a million ways to hurt myself cross my mind in an instant.
I'm too afraid to come out, but I can't cope with the secrecy and misgendering any more. It's killing me from the inside and no one can see.
My YouTube channel
My YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCW3Qt2TujUDqFIB6XZSwdag
So basically I feel like shit.
I am being forced to dress girly for my friend's 18th, having narrowly avoided being forced into a dress. I was literally being made to feel bad about refusing to wear a dress, and I tried to tell them how uncomfortable I'd be, but that was hard without being able to say why.
I've been extremely put off about coming out to these friends at all now, because one of them, upon discussing a local politician who happens to be a transwoman, she said "she looks like a man and she used to be a man, it is really quite funny." Which I found offensive and aggravating. And here there and everywhere people remind me of my sex and how I have to be girly
Awareness in the UK
So my college failed to add TDoR to the list of international pride/awareness days that it shows on the slideshow that is up every day. I sent them an email regarding this, and about how I felt it really should be mentioned. It turns out, my college gets the dates from a calendar that holds all the dates for the country that serves as a reference for all organisations in the country. TDoR is not on there, its existence is not even acknowledged. I think my college will be adding it to the slideshow now, but it doesn't change the fact that the UK doesn't seem to recognise that TDoR or transgender awareness week even exists. This is terrible. Ho
Wish list that is a long way away.
Things that really would make my life 182847692958281 times easier to put up with.
Binder
Packer/STP
T
Accepting family and friends
An M on my papers
A male name
All these things are so damn far away...
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Comments4
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I really hope you feel better.
I know that people online joke about male's rights and all, and they call MRAs a bunch of misogynists, but these are problems that males face every day that people like to overlook.
While I understand that it's impossible to turn it into a positive situation, maybe the role can help you learn how to "pass" better for when you're finally out.
Or you could just be your faggoty-ass self, like I plan on doing once I'm out.
I love you. Feel better.